Wednesday, 23 March 2011

Arab Spring Uprising In India?

New Delhi: Earlier today the Arab Spring uprisings spread to New Delhi where one million protesters congregated at Rajpath. The rally was generally peaceful until pandemonium broke out later in the day. Delhi Police believe 23 are dead with several hundred injured.

The protest was initially organised by student leader, Amit Das from the Communist Party aligned All India Students Association “The mobile phone is the 21st century’s Kalashnikov!” he told this reporter. “We got all our comrades to get online and rally our troops!”.

Amit was angrily interrupted by Ajay Goel leader of the ABVP, the BJP aligned student union, ‘ Arrey yaar, these Bengali duffers tried to do this but they don’t own a computer bhai! My Father owns a mobile shop only’.

Amit Das tried to respond but was enthusiastically interrupted by the Muslim Students Union and the powerful National Students Union and an emerging union from Panipat, with a membership of two. It did not escape this reporters observation that many of the student leaders were in their late forties, early fifties and that many of their children were in attendance as it was University study leave.

Deejay from the Congress aligned NSUI, finally managed to be heard. ‘We were appalled that these Unions were campaigning for the down throw of our glorious leader. Soniaji Zindabaad! So we started giving away mobile phones if people promised not to attend. The ABVP then irresponsibly promised, with the help of their seditious BJP masters, a 38” plasma television with every busload that came to the rally. We naturally responded by offering a 42” plasma television with a built in coffee machine and promptly had Ajaj Goel arrested.’

The NSUI also took very strong exception that Mrs. Gandhi, the President of the Congress, had not been invited as head speaker at such an important rally. Regardless that it was focused towards the down throw of her own Government.

Mamta Banerjee took an even stronger offence. But on questioning couldn’t say why she was offended but insisted she was very angry indeed and couldn’t stop shouting.(Without taking a single breath).

Despite the divisions the rally was a historic display of democracy in play. A sea of humanity demanding the reclamation of her beloved India. Columns of smoke from burnt buses punctuated the horizon. Jats, with beautifully constructed homemade deadly weapons, repeatedly pierced the night sky with a 1000 spears in appreciation of the charismatic speakers from every party and every faith. Whilst the middle classes made a herculean effort by not panicking when the network was jammed and they couldn’t get in touch with their drivers.

After a fiery speech by a leader of the BJP the crowd started to proceed to 10 Janpath with a taste for blood. It was Cairo all over again. The power of the unstoppable crowd was simply terrifying.

Then Mrs. Gandhi took the podium and the less intelligent looked dumbstruck. How could she be in two places at the same time?

Mrs. Gandhi, in impeccable Hindi-Italian, charmed the crowd to a murmur and said that the legacy of Mahatma Gandhi dictated violence was completely unjustifiable but if the million strong crowd felt it was unavoidable they should attack the BJP headquarters which was just round the corner, ‘..past the second set of lights.’

In any case she said, '..inflation, corruption and no basic services is an incredibly clever CIA plot!'

This is when a glorious movement lost it’s way. Mr. Diwan, a tailor from Bengali Market tells us his story.

‘I was minding my own business, sewing a shirt with a tricky rainbow design ,when there was an almighty noise outside my shop. I stupidly opened the shutters to find a mob shouting for a tape measure. I took a quick look at my bottle of Old Monk to see if I had taken one too many pegs because I saw at least 10,000 people start to measure a dozen plasma televisions. When they found they were 36” instead of 38” all hell broke loose!'

On this reporter asking what happened next, searching for details of how Connaught Place was reduced to rubble, he admitted he didn’t know as he had just regained consciousness.


  1. Thanks Roy.

    I was there and called my family members(using my touch screen phone, of course) to tell them to watch me on TV.... I also took a 42" Plasma TV home:)

  2. Shiv Sir, thank you mate. I'll throw in a DVD player! I got the idea from your feedback last post. Bit risky, my editor hasn't told me I'm an idiot yet. Also thank you very much for promoting the blog on twitter it is very much appreciated.

  3. Roy, I liked the post very much.

    I also liked that chay-pani getting replaced by a ten rupees note. I sincerely want people to read your blog post. I am one of your most sincere readers:-)